Communicating With Confidence

Listening well, speaking clearly and asking the right questions—these skills are vital to your success as a communicator. The good news is that by using a few simple strategies, you can boost your own communication confidence.

Communication: a two-way flow

You send a message when you speak, write, smile, cry, fidget or sit silently. You receive a message when you hear, see or sense what the sender is sending. This may sound pretty straightforward. But the two-way flow of communication can get complicated very quickly, as the examples below illustrate.

• Your friend asks you for a loan. You hint that you don't want to lend the money, but your friend "hears" you say yes.
• Someone keeps asking you out for a date. You repeatedly decline, hoping the person will eventually "get the message."
• A daughter angrily says, "Go ahead! See if I care!" to her father. She hopes he does see how much she cares.
• The way to avoid these ineffective communication patterns is to practice being authentic. This means explaining how you really feel and asking for what you really need.

Being "authentic"

When you communicate effectively, you're direct and honest—not aggressive, not "nice"—just authentic. Believing that you have a right to feel what you feel and to ask for what you need will help you to speak authentically. The following ideas can also help you communicate effectively:

• Speak clearly and simply. Try to say what you mean. If you think you may have trouble saying something you need to say, write it out (or record it) and practice it.
• Make sure your voice matches what you want to say. Does it sound like you're joking when you want to be serious? Are you mumbling because you think it's selfish to ask for what you need?
• Be aware of your posture. It's hard to speak clearly and authentically when you're slouched over or slumped in a chair.
• Stay in touch with your body. This is a good way to stay in touch with your feelings. Is your stomach in knots? Is your heart racing? What do these signals from your body tell you about how you're feeling? Remember to breathe and allow yourself to relax as much as you can.
• Keep your goals in mind. They'll help you stay in touch with what you need.
• Speak for yourself by using the word "I." Using the word "you" often means you're focusing on the other person rather than yourself. The word "I" puts you in touch with your feelings. Instead of "You have no right to say that to me!" say "I get really hurt and angry when you say that to me!"

Respecting yourself and others

When you communicate authentically, you respect yourself and the other person. You make sure that the other person hears your feelings and needs, but you also listen to that person's feelings and needs too. You show respect when you:

• Choose the appropriate time and place to express your feelings and communicate your needs. For example, asking an instructor in front of the class about a mark you feel is unfair puts him or her on the spot.
• Express yourself as clearly as you can and really listen to other people when they speak.
• Take responsibility for your own feelings. You don't have to put the other person down in order to express yourself.
• Ask other people how they feel about what you've shared with them. And respond to their feelings.

Listening well

Our brains work a lot faster than our mouths! People talk at the speed of about 125 words per minute, but our brains turn out ideas at a much faster rate. So our thoughts race ahead while we listen, filling in the space between the speaker's thoughts with thoughts of our own. This explains why many people have trouble listening. It's estimated that people hear only 25 per cent of what's said to them! Here are some ideas to help you become a better listener:

• Make as much eye contact as feels comfortable to you.
• Try not to think of listening as waiting for your turn to speak.
• Listen to understand.
• Try not to interrupt.
• Try to hear the feeling beneath what the speaker is saying
  

When you communicate authentically, you bring your whole self—your thoughts, feelings and experiences—with you. You show others that you respect yourself and them too. When you're honest and direct, people pay attention.Your voice is heard.